A Little Lot of Limericks

There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked why that was,
He replied "It's because
I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can."

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

There once was a person from Lyme
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, "Why a third?"
He replied, "One's absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"

There was a young fellow named Fisher
Who was fishing for fish in a fissure,
When a cod, with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in ...
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

There was a young lady of Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented,
And made cider inside her inside.

There was an old man of Khartoum
Who kept a tame sheep in his room,
"To remind me," he said,
"Of someone who's dead,
But I never can recollect whom."

There was an old man of Madrid
Who ate 65 eggs - yes, he did!
When they asked, "Are you faint?"
He replied, "No, I ain't -
But I don't feel as well as I did!"

I sat next to the Duchess at tea;
It was just as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me!

There once was a man of Bengal
Who was asked to a fancy-dress ball;
He said, "I will risk it
And go as a biscuit"
But a dog ate him up in the hall.

A rocket inventor named Bright
Once traveled much faster than light.
He started one day
In the relative way
And returned on the previous night.

A London policeman named Pete
Was always asleep on his beat.
For British bobbies
Don't have any hobbies,
They just just have arrest in the street.

There was an old man of Vancouver
Whose wife got sucked in the hoover.
He said, "There's some doubt
If she's more in than out,
But whichever it is, I can't move her!"

A glutton who came from the Rhine,
When asked at what hour he would dine,
Replied, "At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight, and at quarter past nine."

A fly and a flea in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

There was an old man of Dunoon
Who ate soup with a very small spoon.
For he said, "As I eat
Neither fish, fowl, nor meat,
I should otherwise finish too soon."

There was an old lady of Rye
Who was baked by mistake in a pie
To the family disgust
She emerged through the crust
And enquired, with a yawn, "Where am I?"

A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, "Kindly note
My mama was a goat -
And I'm made out of curds, by the whey."

There were three little birds in a wood
Who always sang hymns when they could.
What the words were about
You could never make out,
But you felt it was doing them good.

There was a young girl from Berlin
Who was born so uncommonly thin
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

As they fished his airplane from the sea,
The inventor just chuckled with glee.
"I shall build," and he laughed,
"A submarine craft,
And perhaps it will fly. We shall see."

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

A love-sick young barn-owl in Kew
Had a pretty young she-owl in view.
He twittered, "I oughter
Endeavor to court 'er
But I don't have enough wit to woo!"

There was a young fellow named Hall
Who fell in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a sad thing
Had he died in the spring,
But he didn't - he died in the fall.

She frowned and called him Mr.
Because he fondly kr.
And so for spite
That very night
That Mr. kr. sr.

There was a young girl from New York
Whose body was lighter than cork.
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead
Before she went out for a walk.

The fabulous Wizard of Oz
Retired from business becoz,
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients
He wasn't the Wiz that he woz.

Said a maid, "I will marry for lucre,"
And her scandalized ma almost shucre.
But when the chance came
And she told the good dame,
I notice she did not rebucre.

There was an old maid of Genoa;
I blush when I think what Iowa.
She's gone to her rest,
But it's all for the best;
Otherwise I would borrow Samoa.

A traveler once to his sorrow
Requested a ticket to Morrow.
Said the railman, "It's plain
That there isn't a train
To Morrow today, but tomorrow."

The sea-cow or grey manatee
Spends most of its time in the sea,
But in tropical rainstorms
It suffers from brainstorms
And hangs upside down in a tree.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny:
"A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"

One day I went to the zoo
For I wanted to see the old gnu;
But the old gnu was dead
And the new gnu they said
Was too new a new gnu to view.

There was a young man who said, "Why
Can't I look in my ear with my eye?
I think that I might
If I stretch very tight -
You never can tell till you try!"

A sleeper from the Amazon
Put a nightie of his gra'mazon.
The reason was that
He was much too fat
To get his own pajamazon.

A girl who weighed many an oz.
Used language I dare not pronoz.
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind,
Just to see, so he said, if she'd boz.

A certain young man named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe.
"But," he said "I must see
What the clergyman's fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee."

A bottle of perfume that Willy sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
That they quarreled, I'm told,
Through that silly scent Willy sent Millicent.

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran off with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

There was a young girl in the choir
Whose voice rose hoir and hoir
Till it reached such a height
It was clear out of seight,
And they found it next day on the spoir.

A fellow who lived in New Guinea
Was known as a silly young nuinea.
He utterly lacked
Good judgment and tacked,
For he told a plump girl she was skuinea.

A right-handed fellow named Wright,
In writing "write", always wrote "rite"
Where he meant to write right.
If he'd written "write" right
Wright would not have wrought rot writing "rite".